my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
What can I say...he's packing some serious heat down there. You wouldn't expect that looking at him, huh?
I guess God knew he was going to be bald...
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
then he tried to convert me to islam
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
Mr. Clingalot just ran from our apartment. What the hell?
I started to cry afterward and mumble random things. Examples: "God, please don't make me be so gay anymore" and "my mom is going to be so proud of me for fucking a dude this time." It was that or let him stay the night and cuddle. I mean, fuck that horrible shit I'm a girl that needs her space.
Well who could blame her. I would run away from me if I could.
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
All I could think about was how many vaginas had been on the toliet that I was pukin in
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
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