well recently, every guy I have hooked up with has been economy sized
The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
I remember seeing LSAT prep books and thinking "Whose room is this? I should be hooking up with them instead."
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
Are you around on Saturday? Feeling a trip over
Wet with either fear or sexual excitement
I think a mixture of both is appropriate
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
What's clit gel and why is it in my wallet.
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
you were making out with a girl because you told her you were part of Nsync
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Randomize
