i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
I don't know but someone, somewhere gave someone a hand job and someone else was pissed about it...
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
He has a bathrroom scale in his room with an alarm attached to it so anything over 150 sets it off and in his drinking stupper he can make a run for it.
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
Is it unhealthy for me to do shots of pinnacle by myself in my apartment right now? Asking for a friend
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU STUCK YOUR DICK IN CRAZY!
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