gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
Stage 55 clinger. not a typo. I cannot even believe this shit.
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
I just did a walk of shame on my own block. one of the old neighbors saw and greeted me "good morning, girl next door"
driving home hungover today was like a life test..it was like the goblet of fire
Is is gay if I donloaded Grinder to see if my roommate is gay?
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
I really just gave up on masterbating because I'm too tired. I really am getting old.
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
Randomize
