You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
Doctorate. Vaginahole. Cinnamon. Rainbow. Fill in the blanks in the morning.
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
No that one bar I got kicked out of got closed so that technically doesn't count
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
Randomize
