Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
You are not answering and I think it is because you spent 80 dollars worth of drinks on you hot cousin.
i saw the 3rd guy i ever had sex with last night and kept calling him #3
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
we've started having sober sex
you really do like him
Dude with the Beatles haircut just got his pilots license and wants to take us up to do a case race mid flight. Don't tell me networking is unnecessary.
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
he asked if i wanted their team name to be " Amandas angels" or " Fuk budies" either way an intermural softball team of all my hook ups from spring semester is just depressing. convenient but depressing
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
Randomize
