people and things i regret. that's what i want to do tonight.
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
you have no chance. her best friend is a human abstinence poster.
i have no feeling in my penis or fingers but i think it was worth it
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
They're basically the Kennedys. This is the family I fucked in to. I'm so proud of my vagina as much as it feels shitty for my heart.
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
he fucked me while wearing his "Reagan Bush '84" tank and my inner democrat has never been more disappointed
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
We go out and drink, fuck, and I stay the night. He agrees to it because he knows I'll hook him up to IV fluids in the morning. Everyone wins
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