I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
He is the Donovan McNabb of stuff up his ass. Tell me that tomorrow. Too high to remember.
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
THIS IS NO TIME FOR SHAME JOSH. JUST GOTTA GET IT IN. PURELY FOR LEVELING UP PURPOSES
Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
Well he fell three stories from the balcony and still had the strength to fuck me for 2 hours.
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
I woke up like how did I get here this blanket is nice but it was just the curtain
she was sitting with her tits completely out.. on the kitchen floor..eating pickles by the handful... rapping mac dre... and then lit up a cig and continued...that drunk
Randomize
