Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
sometimes i wish i could find another girl that loves my dick as much as she does
i feel like she has dreams of it being like a person saying hey lets go play
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
Only thing I know is apparently I danced with a bouncer and we got a ride back from a valet who was driving one of the cars he was supposed to be parking
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
Are you also wondering how we get home after the party bus?
Home?
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
That's why you need to have them together. Katie started crying on the couch and she just gave her a tube of crackers and picked up a beer at the same time. She's like a goddess of making things chill
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
Randomize
