Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
she just came into my room, drunkenly shoved six dollars into my bra and told me to spend it on chicken wings.
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I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
Was there a Canadian at your party or did I dream that?
Uh yeah can we get an age of consent check on Dave's penis?
Age of consent, Dave's penis. Thank you...
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
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You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
We ended the night eating peanutbutter with our hands and smoking cigarettes in the house at 4am. Fucking Everclear, man.
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
After the 2nd person threw up, you told us that your 'mint shooters' were just shots of mint mouthwash
It’s Sunday Funday! Stop watching football and bring your penis over here. There will be plenty of scoring!
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