i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
My boss just told me $1,000 at a six hour event wouldn't be worth her time. She makes $70k a yr. and apparently never learned multiplication.
I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
I have come to the conclusion that if you don't fulfill your life ambitions you should go into porn
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
Ita all starting to make sense i need vodka like i need air
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
seriously, i never want to drink Robitussin again. her face was melting as i tried to convince her i wasnt high and i probably would have fucked ray. his parents thought i was a sweet charming lesbian.
This is why you are not allowed out in public.
How does one go about breaking up with their bf on vacation?
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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