That's what you get for not wearing a bra and jumping on a trampoline
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
rumor has it I kept asking you to go to the "tall grass" with me...sorry about that.
He's worked out some sort of arangment where all three of them are dating each other and they've all moved into an apt. with two king beds pushed together
A true beacon of hope in these dark times
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
our relationship was basically a one night stand, with a three week long, morning after
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
I feel like we have a good system here turning our sketchy decisions into great stories.
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
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