She was not exactly lady-like. Down there.
i effing cant stand that stupid soul the new way to roll hamster commercial. everyone im with is laughing and now hate them all.
Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
I don't have patience to seek someone out and try to decipher whether or not I think I'd want to actually have their dick in my face.
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
I didn't even have pants on and you think I had an agenda
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
We drank vodka and koolaid through a traffic cone. It got rowdy.
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
