I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
If I see one more duchette wearing Ed Hardy, but not actually having a real tattoo. I swear Im gonna shank a bitch.
help help how do i get him away from me should i talk in a robot voice or something
Pretty sure she's used to bigger guys. She kept slipping off while on top. like, constantly
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
I'm tellin ya, let the nipple get some air, they'll hire u on the spot, lawyers love a little nip
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
Randomize
