the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
There's sex hanging in the air like a pinata. European people are no joke.
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they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
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I fell on my face, puked, and had to be rocked to sleep in a hammock. I'd say Europe is a success
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
This is not a test of the emergency warning system. He has broken my vagina. I repeat he has broken my vagina. Damn it was good.
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
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