If I see one more duchette wearing Ed Hardy, but not actually having a real tattoo. I swear Im gonna shank a bitch.
ttyl tear gas
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
For future reference "bring our litter sisters on our date day" is not such a good idea
the manischevitz sangria was a big hit
Less than a month to go... I do not understand how I was able to put up with a roommate who wears bright green Crocs for a year.
I didn't know. I guess I really haven't had that much time for drinking lately. I mean, outside drinking at home/work.
I've been to his house multiple times since that night and I STILL can't find my bra. And he says the hot tub ate my thong.
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
Passed out in someones front yard last night. Got woke u?p by a lady walking her dog at 6am. Rock bottom.
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