I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
At least we don't have one night stands
True that. We sink our claws in our men.
I think most guys look at porn as a fallback career. I mean I know I do.
Long labias. Talking about. Too drunk to explain. Tomorrow.
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
Things are coming back to me in chunks. I vaguely remember signing a shirt that said 'I enjoy vagina'
I AM SO PROUD OF YOU
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
That's Danny the boy who threw up in the Doritos bag
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
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