dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
did you fuck him yet?
hahaha who do you think your talking to.. a nun?
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
Soo time for a life change, my 6 yr old sister made my gf a puke bucket for her birthday
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
it's my birthday, i should be around people i want to fuck
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
There is sex in the air. Be careful where you walk.
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
Randomize
