I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
Please root for the ravens. I now have oral sex riding on this and it's been sooooo long
I feel like the way dolphins mate would be the approach that a guy would have to use in order for you to sleep with them
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
I don't know if trying Molly for the first time before my flight was an awesome or aweful idea
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
It's difficult to focus on bonds when you know your classmate peed in your mouth
Randomize
