My first STD was from a foam party
So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
spencer pratt says his family invinted chess
that kid is like the al gore of hollywood.
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
Sobered up midsex and just went with it. After he tried cuddling and I awkwardly rolled out of the bed to find someone on the floor, apparently it was his room so he got to listen.
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
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