U r making out with a 12 year old get ur shit together
the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
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And then I have a slight inkling that I went up to the bar and tried to order the bartender.
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
It's a special occasion. Hence the 151.
I think there was chlamydia in those woods.
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
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It wasn't so much skinny dipping. It more like skinny walking...through a fountain.
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
She went outside in nothing but her panties and came back inside 15 minutes later wearing a different pair of panties.
Yeah. I asked if there was a finger in my ass at some point or if I had a weird dream. So far he hasn't responded
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
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