I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
dude chill. it wont be anything like your seventh grade birthday party.
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
she got the salsa and pickles out of the fridge looked at me and said what can i make with this
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
I can't wait for paintbang. I'm going to throw a marker at a child. There will be bail money in my backpack in m trunk. Don't use it on beer.
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
Her vagina is like the upper echelon of Scientology and I don't have enough money to get in
You have to just make a conscious effort not to make out with people when he's around if you want to keep him in your life?
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"
He just sent me a picture of multiple chickens eating in his kitchen... should I be worried
Randomize