I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
i wish his balls had a scratch and sniff sticker elsewhere so i would know before i even went down there
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
will you please stage a drunk girl intervention and tell him that his chain is severely harming his chances of getting laid tonight?
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
That girl is nothing but trouble. She's 40% red hair and 60% daddy issues.
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
After you punched me you ran away and it took an hour to find you... On the wrong floor... Sitting alone saying "it doesnt make sense"
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
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