Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
i love my job...i have craft hour at my desk w twizzlers
can u grab me a application
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
i have my own cum on my nose right now. don't talk to me about "embarrassed".
But theres a keg here and me gusta
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
My dick pics could make it to the popular page on Instagram.
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
Blacked out and Irish exited last night. At dinner. On a Sunday.
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
Randomize
