Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
The best feeling....farting and having the bubble hit your balls
No its cool I don't even have to do anything he is rapping to one of the strippers. He is punishing himself enough.
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
Are you considering all the consequences of doing your boss or are you just rationalizing with your vagina?
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
Sure go ahead and start this 'business' with him...just don't come crying to me when you have to fake your own death in two years
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Very interesting. Let's just say I got home last night and threw up, found a joint in my bra, and woke up naked in my bed
Randomize
