a mothers knocking is a guaranteed boner softener
I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
I think after tonight I'm 85% lesbian
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
I don't know, we got really drunk and I slapped her with an ear of corn.
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
Randomize
