My family just suggested tequila shots. I had Vietnam style flashbacks.
the guy next to me needed a pen, so I let him take one from my book bag. my panties are now being passed around the class...thank you for telling me you hid them in my bookbag.
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
She brought up feelings... her days are numbered
I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills
how else could I explain the last few years
her roommates boyfriend drunkenly walked in on us banging and said yeeeeaaaaaahhhh and tried to high five me
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
His name is Angel. I'm pretty sure he was sent from heaven solely to eat me out.
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
Randomize
