dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
Random 1st period thought: do you think she could put "had a threesome" on her resume?
I lost of the blow last night. Found it later in my bag labeled Fairy Dust.
I think I'm going to die by hangover. I'm in my spanish class. So I guess I'm going to be muerte.
Wouldn't be the first time..I think there's a subliminal message constantly playing in my mind that says 'blackout', 'throwing up is fun' 'too sober'
We came back and there was a shotglass filled with what looks like blood. Come over soon, we're gonna try it out.
And then I passed out in my towel and was woken up by my roommate introducing me to her trick for the night.
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
Randomize
