i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
just saw someone puke all over a michigan fan. he didn't even flinch.
She's Christian and monogamous. Two wammies right there. No amount of convincing will turn that bi for a night.
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
You should kill a bro for me and drag his carcass home so I can study him.
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
she's an english major so her sexts are something i look forward to
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
you poured beer in your mouth so you could be a beer pong cup for her to drink out of/make out with
Did it work?
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