i nerd-gasmd. plain and simple.
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
michael burned off one of his eyebrows making a pizza so he had to shave off the other one to make it look even. it doesn't look right, but I'd still bang him.
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
Sexual side note: sushi and cum do not mix well. That is all.
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
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