yo I wanna see you, bring that beard of yours
Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
Nothing better than going to Mass on Easter Sunday with "I love penis" henna tattooed across your back. Love your Indian culture.
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
Girl I'm contemplating picking up some adult diapers. That's how bad this is and it's only day 2.
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize
