Who wears a wallet chain?!
I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
Let's just says his mouth writes a lot of checks that his penis just can't cash. Don't waste your time.
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
He literally knows my vagina better then I do.
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
Good morning 7am walk of shame. It's been awhile.
my comprehension of H.D. Thoreau really dives after 8 beers.....
It will astound me if they ever let you graduate.
Let's just grow old together and be the crazy ladies that sit on the park bench, drinking booze from flasks and loudly talk about people who walk by.
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
Randomize
