So I walked out of my room and there was my brother....standing naked
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
so my doctor just swabbed my throat, and he looked up in suprise when i had no gag reflex. yea, he just judged me.
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
i dont know what to do
with your life?
no, with my silly bandz, im already wearing 3
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
Finals week...the biggest cock block since your brother threatened me with a beer bottle at the bar.
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
I really would enjoy sexual intercourse with you.
Most formal booty call EVER
Then, even the devil himself would be scared of us. And we'd be bestfriends with Jesus. He would love us.
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
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