Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
yeah, but i heard shes schizophrenic
i wouldn't even care dude, i'd fuck her and all 7 of her personalities.
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
All that matters is I got the megaphone home safely
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
Dinner?
YES CON MARGARITAS POR FAVOR!!!! MUCHO MARGARITAS!!!
Got home to the hotel 3hrs ago per texts sent not in english to not a full phone number
Now the circle is complete. Just interviewed a guy who was a higher up member of the team I worked for in my job before this place
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
Lesson learned:nothing good comes from an at home wax kit.
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
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