It saddens me that girls will never know the wonder feeling of pulling your sweaty nutsack off of your leg.
Is it possible for Craig Seger to wear a normal suit and not look like an asshole on national tv?
blow job with a beer in the shower, I just created the ultimate day spa for dudes
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
what started as sign language exam pre-drinks to calm the nerves turned into me waving at a deaf woman for 20 minutes
he kept yelling THIS ISNT AMATEUR HOUR
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
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