Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
He looked me straight in the eye when he was fingering me last night...it was very serial killer.
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
He filled our room with little plastic cups of beer so the only way I could get out was by drinking them all.
walk of shame into the pharmacy with a busted up chin and laughing the lady at the counter rolled her eyes at me when I asked for the morning after pill.
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
And our DD is passed out in the bathtub with the curtain closed. What happened tonight
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
The sad thing was my husband told her its ok to make out with me. Bar Tuesdays will live on regardless.
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
this party is nice, but i have to go home and cry over anime in order to fill my daily quota of suffering
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
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