I can’t believe the potential orgy I left behind at Waffle House.
i just bought ciggarettes using my court citation as id. I've reached an all time low.
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
He had the smallest penis i'd ever seen. I can see why he drinks his life away.
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
i threw up in a box in my own lap driving today.
You should kill a bro for me and drag his carcass home so I can study him.
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
Cheyanne in woods. Ducks attacked. My toe is bleeding. We are gpsing our way home on foot. No worries
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Randomize
