I cut my penus on the lid.
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
I don't think anybody else enjoys making out with multiple guys on the same night as much as I do. I'm like a wine taster but with lips... it's like art to me. The bruise on my upper lip is proof of it
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
I need a good cry or an orgasm and neither of them are gonna happen to me and i'm so frustrated
WHAT A DUMBASS ugh I'm so glad he looks like a middle aged dad now
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
Randomize
