Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
I am only moving my arms so I remember that I can. These brownies are wild.
and when he finished he handed me a baby wipe so i could clean up. i'm ok with the fact that he has kids, but not sure how to react to this.
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
Man, you got so high you own goaled yourself in FIFA then got up celebrating.
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
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