sometimes when you bring the thunder you get lost in the storm
your head's too prwtty to be stuck in the books
dude. late night with jimmy fallon isnt even funny. the people in the audience there to see him dont even think hes funny.
kinda like you and your friends.
She has an incinerator in her basement. Have you ever incinerated used condoms?
Lmao what?
It's a yes or no question.
that knocking you heard last night......that was her head slowly going through the wall
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
he kept saying that we were in ian's fun time place and then continued to act like a dinosaur.
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
Randomize
