my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
dude, showing up drunk to physics was the best idea ever. I just tripled my participation for the semester. I love st pattys day
I got my period while he was fingering me , I knew it because I never get that wet.
Did u at least say sorry?
Improvement. She went from pretending she was the soccer ball in the world cup games and it hurt when they kicked her to passed out on the floor.
its was like we drinking an entire bottle of mystery
Also you were throwing your phone yelling this is durable as shit
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
im pretty sure your bra is in my room hanging on my shark pinata
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
The beer-amid has reached five feet. Caitlyn has a taser. GTG
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
Randomize
