I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
i dont even know how to be here
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
He's a psychology major, so instead of becoming a stripper, I'm just working out my daddy issues with him. And his cock. And spankings.
They're much more educational now btw. Don't judge.
It's like you know you got fucjed up when you wake up and check fir your own pulse
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
You really do take on your dog's personality she sounded like her pug breathing when we were going at it.
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
Randomize
