He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
So at what point do I tell her that I like fucking these hot southern girls more than I like my relationship with her?
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
Suppose hypothetically u received a request for face time communication with a gentleman who looked astonishingly like a penis. Would you indulge him in conversation? Hypothetically of course.
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
You ran down the alley towards a stranger screaming "you took my beer".... Then proceeded to run into a garage, fall down, and scream about how your shirt makes you look fat.
I have bite marks all over my ass. Is that an acceptable excuse for missing class?
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
Okay, the good news, found Jared, all IDs accounted for, Jack is meeting us at yours with your requested the delivery. The bad news: Lost Alice, banned from Stages, possibly fucked my TA in the bathroom.
It's not even noon and I've had 3 people call me a savage, one of them said it in reference to the blow job I gave them. So I guess you could say it's going to be a good weekend
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
Randomize
