dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
We can make salsa ya know, maybe even some hot sauce. That doesn't mean we're married.
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
Whatever. It was high school. Back then I'd blow anyone who had enough room between their chest and their steering wheel for my head to fit.
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
DICK PUNCH EXTRAVAGANZAAAAAA!!!!!
Oh ya, I forgot to tell you, last night I woke up to the sound of you peeing on the floor next to the fridge, didn't remember until now. Have fun at Dayton!
i spent 45 minutes yellng Heather I feel so bad i wanna die and then 45 more yelling I DONT WANNT TO DIE. thats how drunk i was
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
We had sex to Hey Arnold, Rugrats, and All That. I feel like my life has come full circle.
It's next to that place that has cock fighting.
Randomize
