I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
Just kissed her with a dip in my mouth... She was either too drunk to notice or too cool to care
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
we dont know what were doing after yet. first up we have 90 beers and a party kit and fun hats.
Is it weird that I want your dad to go down on me?
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
Haha no we did it on his bed. Then rolled off into the bean bag. It was a strangely athletic performance on my behalf.
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
I think my time would be better spent seducing the TA then trying to save this paper.
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