Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
Worst PDA I've ever seen. She even licked the mustard off his mustach
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
I decided tomorrow is going to be great day wether my period likes it or not
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
I just want to see his penis in the light. Is that a crime?
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
Randomize
