i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
Its official, if she bites your dick through your jeans, ya'll go together. A lesson you shouldn't have to learn after the fact.
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
Well I've decided to refuse to conform to society and be naked the rest of the day.
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
Randomize
