i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
dont be like that, i wasnt picking him over you. I was picking multiple orgasms over zoolander.
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
So what exactly does one do when my driver gets a DUI and is now arrested and I'm still hiding in the trunk?
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
I have really important information for you regarding the furry convention this weekend
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
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