oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
She stared for a good 10 seconds before calling my dick "awe-inspiring", and then proceded to give me blueballs. All in all the ego boost made my night break even
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
Whoever was the last to get in from the chinese firedrill had to pay the dealer.
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
Eaten today: granola bar, pumpkin donut, and fritos. Oh, college nutrition.
u would mumble something and then get unnecessarily loud and say random shit like 'id fuck the shit out of taylor hanson right now'
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
