Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
No I'm done finals, but I'm not coming home until these hickeys are gone.
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
I'm having mini little movies in my head. Like for example. You were talking to a blue whale with jazz man sunglasses, but not the ray charles jazz sunglass. More like sunglasses that are round. Anyway, he has a baguette and stupid french hat. And you , you had your harry potter glasses.
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
Also, do you have any insight as to WHY I have a note saved from the 17th of June that reads *clears throat*, "you got that swanky blues libido"
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
I got a gay guy to motorboat me. These tits could change the world, I'm telling you.
he said he couldn't believe he just lost his virginity and passed out. what have i done
Randomize
