My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
It sounds like heaven mixed with world peace and orgasms. The acoustics in this car are awesome. Or it's the weed idk either way it's great
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
but you were the sluttiest panda there and you need to embrace it
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
Randomize
