My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
So I have the professor convinced that the textbook will take another week to deliver. that should give me enough time to replace the cash i spent on strippers.
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
Oh I already celebrated valentine's day. I stayed up until 4 AM listening to biggie, drinking rum, and caressing all my girl curves in front of the mirror. And then I came 3 times.
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
I woke up naked on my couch playing a video game I thought I had dreamed about... oh yeah, and someone cut my hair.
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
I'm gonna fight the coyote
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
We had sex then laid in his bed eating chocolate and drinking juice boxes. I think I'm going to keep him around.
It actually wasn't the first time that a guy I just met ate me out in the back seat of his car in a starbucks parking lot in the middle of the day.
Randomize
