On a scale of affliction to ed hardy, how douchy is in there right now?
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
Our new goal for this summer is to fuck so hard we lose his security deposit.
I decided not to eat, and then this man was my fairy " don't black out" godmother
I'm a drunk white girl and my ancestors were drunk white girls, if we apologized our species would be extinct.
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
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