My bed smells like naked
Haha. At least it doesn't smell like herpes
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
well after this past weeked you can expect to see me on maury playing a little game called "who's the father"
made out with three guys on the first night of college orientation, just imagine what joys all of next year will hold
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
I JUST FOUND AN INTERNATIONAL POLE DANCING CHAMPIONSHIP IN SPANISH
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
GET OVER HERE. HOTTIE ALERT
^^^This is why you should have charged your phone prior to going out.
I don't think you understand what laundry day means. I am wearing a swimsuit as underwear and my spanish club tshirt from junior high
Like, I can't stand that bitch, but i genuinely hope she gets the help she needs
I told her to to let go of her rationtal thoughts and just enjoy the fact that i was going down on her till she passed out from sheer orgasmic pleasure.
Randomize
