Call me so I can make it juicy for ya
last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
thank you TLC waking up to a water birth on tv really put the cherry on top of my hangover...
drunk enough to drink jager bombs out of a bowl on the kitchen floor.
Like some sort of pot growing robin hood.
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
I need to reevaluate. My boss gave me drug money. I overslept on my couch. And I had my student teacher go to McDonald's and get an egg mcmuffin for me.
A dude was barking out of one of the buildings so I barked back and he goes, "Oh shit! She barked back! Come to room 803 I'll fuck you!"
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
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