He quoted an N'sync song to confess his attraction to me. Needless to say, I had sex with him.
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
He told me I was 100% better then porn then passed out nto the cake
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
He was gunna drive a half hour for a makeout sesh. Time to take the diapers off and learn about the wonders of the penis, dude
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
The neighbors in the apartment above us are at it again. The roleplay this time is cop and prostitute. I give it 30 minutes, you? Already sounds better than the last one
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
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