drank two beers while on the toilet at home during lunch break. new high or new low, not sure
i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
Reading in my econ of energy textbook about the US' largest oil spill from the 1990's.. guess i can't sell this one back either
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
Chang gave me a 1.5 gallon beer tasting cup, i have a new boyfriend with a huge stick, Members of the Irish Rugby team slapped my ass and cheered for firmness, and a couple of strangers are naming the child after me. Best. Weekend.Ever.
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
i woke up in just my thong, face first on my bed with all the lights on. how hungover do you think i felt?
Randomize
