i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
Great date with Damon, but I'm not sure if telling him I like lesbian porn is a good second date discussion.
at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
Hes laying on the floorn in the bathroom telling Jesus to raise the flag
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
We're already drunk. 4 hours to go still. And there's a bear advisory. TOP WEEKEND.
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
I just had a legitimate orgy. Wearing glowsticks.
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
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