Well the light went out so I was throwing up by candle light. Strange moment in my life.
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
The floor and the wall just switched. I'm falling.
If I believed in "responsibility" and "having limits", I would probably say I consumed too much alcohol in the last 48 hours
You put your finger on my lips and told me 'the butt is nature's pocket'.
I don't remember that at all, but I stand by what I said
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
Girl in my public speaking class just gave a speech on weaves, God I love community college
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
The sex was so boring I heard the people having sex next door and I wanted to stop just to listen
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
I don't care that he's really strong. I need him to make me cum not fix my back problems
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