I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
I figured out that he lasts longer when I rap during sex. He made it all the way through "Love the Way you Lie"
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
The fuck-me-pumps were hot, the XL hoody kinda ruined it.
Ya. My thumbs are those buffalo's, but my legs are spirits and my torso is that Indian guys and my head is the eagle
So when this rash is gone wanna hang out?
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
She calls him the walking dildo to his face. That relationship is already fucked up.
Randomize
